Lazy Daisy

Stepping in to this day, I feel a bit daunted by irritability.  The theme in my mind is insignificance and instability.  Wanting so badly to stay even, the day to day can be a stuggle.  I am becoming aware of the cost this chronic illness has on me and my life.  My attitude is definitely not one of gratitude and there is guilt about that.  Being unsettled in spirit I plan to go out and see a movie today and then go to a support group tonight.

Keeping even the least bit active can be difficult on hard days.  Worthlessness can be a dangerous and mighty albatross on my shoulder.  Knowing that I am not alone can help.  Making some phone calls and asking people about their life can also feed the meter in my fatigued soul.  I entertain the night, but live the day.  My shaky handprint in the snow lets the world know that I am here.  As my head bays a strong wolf cry, I look to the winter moon to play a stunning minuet within me.  When I most want to give up, I wander in to the region of the damned and see that I have chosen another way.

Ceasing my exercise plan because of my striking sense of lethargy and apathy has left me to scorn myself and post on my forehead an invisible brand of LAZY.  There are times when others prod me when I cannot answer to their whimsicle melody of fit immortality.  I sit  like Job, mortal and aching, struggling to lift my visage to the brutal wind.  My thoughts tumble in directions I wish to never return to.  This is the time that I fall to my knees and just pray that God can hear and oblige me.  I pray for release and a return to purposeful and productive living.

I urge anyone whose eyes drift over this page to honor the pain, but to release the dramatic flair it can present.  Hold a stone and feel its smoothness.  Hold ice and glory in its always present chill.  Make some soup and feel its warmth in your mouth.  I wish for you to feel solace in your senses, and soothing from the knowing that you are in the moment and able to be aware, no matter how much it hurts.

This is my message today.  Go forth and try not to disparage those who are merry.  Love the creatures who will sit with you silently and look at you with a kindly lack of judgement.  Eventually you may be able to measure a beautiful moment of peace.