Finding Self in the Storm

There is a challenge to those with mania and depression to feel a consistent sense of self.  There is a woeful burden in the self concept of depression, and a grand brilliance to the time of mania.  On an even keel, one might give the thoughts of others more credence than the growing wisdom of the personal mind and soul.

I struggle with this fight as I write this meditation.  I find myself needing to stand up and yell from the mountaintops that I have let the dysfunctional and crazy dictate to me who I am.  I feel crazier by the day, and find no way to quell the shame in my heart.  I step forth today with this realization of the abdicating of my own power.  I have had times of lacking steady and realistic perception, but those times are not now.  In those days, I was judged with such harsh disdain and cruelty, that it is difficult to let those voices be silenced.  I am now stuggling to find my dignity.  The irksome and nagging truths have been playing softly in my mind and I now come to my own knowings.   These are actually separate from a dysfuctional treatment setting.  I stayed in a place where I sat quietly feeling crazier and crazier.

I try to put this quagmire into words so that I can acknowledge my own sanity in the face of many conflicting influences.  I am now ready to step into the sun and begin to acknowledge my wounds and my own wisdom. I have learned about myself the most effective ways to treat a person with past maniac challanges.

I do wish to encourage people to find what works for them, but to give treatment options a fair chance to work.  Not all therapists, doctors, hospitals, or groups are healthy and productive.  When we are vulnerable we can undermine our own best judgement.  Know that though a mental health professional can loom large in our minds, we can be correct in seeing and acknowledging her ineffectiveness in our care.

In this day, know that there are good people out there treating mental illness.  They can help us to harness our power and regain our dignity.  If you work with someone good, relish in their skill and let them know how much they mean to you.  Be hopeful that you can get better and live a productive and rewarding life.  Dip your toe in the pool of self worth and see a glowing and beautiful reflection on the surface of the water.  Have confidence to make change, if necessary, and be proactive in your treatment plan.  If a drug does not work, let your doctor know and have faith that you will find something that does.