Hot Blaze

I feel ill today, but I am at Caribou anyway. I also stopped by the library and turned in DVD's and picked up Bill O'Reilly's, Killing Jesus. I play with the memories of Indy that involve Mr. Dunlop. He even made FIRE sweet on me. His tunnel through all departments made it possible to prove my bedroom abilities to a top "charity case." This meant he was high and holy, but he just presented as a fireman from South Dakota, in town for the fire conference. I did not know that they were ALL competing for the opportunity. Final judgement was Chris and I at The Wild Beaver. After that night everything fell apart, but it was fun while it lasted. The next morning I had 3 plastic fire hats beside my bed. I guess I was hot enough to not know anything at all, and to not believe that I was pretty or special in any way. Oh well, I will be ready for the opposite when it comes, but, for now, I deal with those feelings and the constant deceit that I am nobody, nothing, and I am not attractive in any way. The fire trucks just roared by Caribou to a blaze. What timing. My method of "low self esteem" is brilliant. It keeps me distracted and very private about my sexuality. I am able to know the truths, but feeling the reality is different. I just walk away from the bar colony in Hennepin County. No more karaoke for me. People are brutal and cruel and get away with it infinity towards me. My self control at facing this brutality has been paramount, but the lies continue. Well when the witchery rolls their way, they will have no control of ANYTHING and ANYONE in their environment. Lying to the community and themselves leaves them with a swiss cheese memory. I leave it for Chris to play with today. I think NOW he understands that I have been alone the whole time.