Days Without Sun

In the depths of despair we can empathize with the sun staying behind the clouds for a day or two.  We can find solace in the moist, dewy air and wish to embellish the state we are in.  Productivity halts and we long for the feeling of mania that begets all things.  As we rest snuggled or hostage in our beds, thoughts can turn to guilt and shame or even to the ultimate solution.  Remembering that this is just a thought and the moments of tedious drowning in our own affairs and states is eventually going to give way to a time of greater ease must be placed on the dashboard of our minds.

The drudgery of depression is quite convincing and the endlessness feels like sitting through an opera rather than the latest hit song.  I live in this zone for years at a time, and pray for the next great pharmaceutical to be a panacea to all my ills.  There is a backlash from the past that chimes in and I cannot eat or sleep it away.  I find that the lack of empathy and understanding from others feeds the dark knight who lords over me.

I am feeling my footing in this time and space and finding the strength to put this collosal monster on the page.  Doing seems impossible when the anhedonia sets in and I court the order of the grave.  I now understand that the world holds love for me and my absence would be felt.  Even if we are in a time of seemingly having nobody, our energy is part of that which holds this world in balance.  We are unique and there is a need to find the unfortunate meaning in our suffering.  I see that as a challenge and a birthing process.  Peace can result from the road less traveled.  As I sit before the grand television screen, I rub my head and deign to know that none of God's creatures are perfect.  My mind is set by that which I am, not by that which I do.

Take this day to realize, whatever you are feeling, there is something in the way you move.  Know that you could be a creature or person's lady (or gentleman) in red.  Find the place where you can even be buried in lifelessness and still be a monument to the grandeur of spirit.  I am proud of all of those who soldier as I do and give me a loving mirror to my feeling of being expendable and worthless.  Be an example of goodness in the ashes.  Smile to yourself as if you know the secret answers.  Love a part of you that simmers beneath the surface waiting to bloom in the spring of your disease.  Put faith in a remission.  Be a part of God's solutions in your sadness and listless untidiness.  This will bring you to the place on the block where you can see the busy streets again.  Rest, and believe that the snow will melt and the green grass will finally be reveled.

Seasons exist as a great analogy of life.
Being confused of their outcome is human.
Self hatred glazes our gaze to their source of wisdom.
Pick up the shovel and move the snow.
See the icy surface reflect your pain and glory.
Rest in the comfort of home on a cold day.
Know the time ticks to a different drummer.
Travel the streets when you are finally ready.