Personal growth is the meditative aspect of the day. I quietly cleaned my cat's box, the surface of my appliances, and did the dishes. It allows for centering and for thought matriculation. I choose to step into a new way for myself. I will sequester my entity while I still respond to the demands of my life and the interactions that I need to have with family and community. I concentrate on the matters at hand having to do with physical needs and keep appointments I have made. Responsibility is important to me. I work with my cat as he explores new realities and births new ways to articulate his needs. I do also separate from him a bit for him to individuate on his own. He is now old enough, and healed enough, to decide his own fate and attitudes. On the front of myself, I ponder many things. I organize and clean outside to clean and clear inside. In being honest, I now realize that I guided my therapy, and I used the sounding board aspect of it. I will not speak of the most heinous abuses that were there in this piece, but I will say that I did the counseling on my own. There was very little validation, there was a multitude of obfuscation, there were amazingly poor boundaries, there was very little even questioning in a way that could bring discovery, and all of the insights were mine regardless of the counselor. That is why I explore inner growth, through channel, with myself at this time. I know that I wish to evolve and grow. I wish to be out of pain. I accept the realities of my life and am responsible for those realities. Others should try it. Others have not taken responsibility for the heinous acts upon me, and they have gotten away with it. To grow, I must move on. I will never have justice. I do still have to protect myself to have my needs met and to respect myself. I have been doing it all along. No one ever respected me or protected me. Behind the scenes, it was always mean, and it would get back to me. Nice to my face, and ice behind my back. Attacks have been more apparent of late. I know that now. I never even sought justice, I sought relief from my pain until a little part of me called for just a morsel of justice of late. So much hate my way has just brought me to a space to just remove myself from places that people are unless I need to be there. I do what I do, and evolve my mind. I work with allowing myself a safe space to actually emote for the first time, in a deep way, about the reality of my violation. With the depth of this emotion flowing for brief moments, I know that it has never been safe. As I do, my pain subsides, my fatigue lessens, and my outlook gets much better. Counselors have done their worst, but I survived. I never read a thing that they wrote about me. I knew it was best. Ultimately, their sadism showed in their complete lack of caring. Their deceit was apparent from their always high and mighty chair. Psychology tried, around me, to take the diagnostic key, but I returned it to psychiatry very quickly. As I emote and listen to myself very actively, and validate myself, I FINALLY heal. It is real. Counseling was a trap and a sham. I did do all types of trainings out there and made the field of success, because I AM THE FIELD. I have been since Oahu. Polynesians will agree that there is no one like me. My first PhD was actually in Psychology, and was secured by both The U.S. Marine Corps, and The University of Oahu now The University of Hawaii). It was right away, on the third day of my life when I walked for the first time into town and started 5-0 task force. They had never had police on the island before. I knew it was that important to take down psychological industry keys that have no existence in science, and their sadism and manipulation is not seen, to ensure that we still had a chance at civilized society and personal responsibility. Psychologists need to be taken out of courts of law immediately. Sharks will agree to my prowess too. Great whites are a difficult crew to imbue and pull through. They would have such eating disorders today if I had not gone their way. So, I still do not really feel like I am very gifted or even geniusy, but I believe I can evolve daily, and in that effort, I know that I am a cut above. It is just not something that people strive for. In therapy, people just complain and go insane about other people's behavior. I have done enough UC group work to know. Counselors don't care, they just want to have an industry. They actually do not wish for success stories. My longtime individual counselor, after 20 years of therapy, actually told me that I would never go anywhere, and I would never get out of the system. Well, I am no longer on her couch or in any counseling chair. It has been about 5 years since I last saw a counselor. The end is not something that I have ever really talked about. I did not let anyone know the true reason why I left. Three counselors before the end, I chose a male counselor because I had to deal with female ritualistic sexual and physical violation in ceremony from the age of 4. It was a Devil Worshiping female cult that was about to take over the whole male cult system. At that age, I took it for a year and a half, kept my mouth shut, and kept them out of entertainment industry. They would be the most powerful women in Hollywood today. I shut them down all on my own. The therapy got dangerous, and the therapist got unstable. He got inappropriate with me sexually. He had a DOC key, and I knew to leave. It was a setup all along. I was strong. It was so wrong, but I knew to just walk away. That is where my power has rested and now, I sequester to imbue myself, gain strength, heal, and become the entity I was born to be. After that, years later I did see a gay male counselor and he really was not gifted, did not care, and asked no questions. I just talked about mundane things, and he told me after a little over a year that he was leaving the position and going to oversee all the other therapists there. He said he would put me on a list, and I never heard back. After about 4 months, I tried 2 different female counselors. The first had an ex-psychiatrist of mine come in the waiting room around me and show that she had problems psychiatrically, and definitely problems with boundaries around me, and a little while after that I terminated my counseling with her. I tried one last time. The woman was in a wheelchair. She was very aggressive and scary to me, not because of her disability, but because of her borderline behavior so quickly and a diagnostic tool she was trying to use in front of me that did not exist. I also terminated with her and did not go back. My mother let me know that my uncle's former psychiatrist had practiced in that building. I will do my work now and set myself free. The system has more than just failed me. It is more than just larceny. It is HOMICIDE. Dr. Jennifer K. Mayer 112
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