Measuring the Mania

There is a silent satifaction in a manic phase.  After feeling the arduous cloak of depression, the rising of energy and confidence can feel immeasurable.  There is a problem in this secret vivaciousness.  We are out of step with reality and possibly approaching the land of the pariah.  Episodes can get frenetic and chaotic and there can be a price we pay for letting it gain momentum in our lives.  I experienced a long period of mania and my life still holds the scars.  The shame that I feel is immense and the dicey interpersonal interactions created a monstrous void where I used to have friendships.  The pandemonium that was me was certain and strong in my mind, but the rigid consequences are deafening.  I spun like a top over the mountains of Switzerland.  Adding alcohol to the mix sealed my fate to live with the painful memories for eternity.

I wish to speak of hope in this disguise for freedom.  Others may not understand the day to day or month to month of ups and downs.  Managing the time of anhedonia can be unnerving.  Others may see depression as a preferable state, and shame you for the tornado your mania creates.  I seek in my heart to find meaning to the madness.  I am finding that my past was my path and that balance was something I never really knew.  There is joy in this place, and I find holy imagery in period of euphoria.  Releasing experiences from that which is normal can be a necessary process.  Stopping the penchant for comparison can also siren relief.

I live each day as only a day.  I seek to find the goodness in myself and others.  Compassion can come from the strangest of places.  Interacting with the world as an alien observer can ultimately bring an understanding of our difference and sameness.  An experiment can be to take a bus ride and be a spy undercover in your mind.  See the people and feel the movement of the vehicle.  Know that so many of the travelers experience at least periods of mental illness and unrest.  Feel your mood as it ebbs and flows.  See the kindness and even cruelty of this load of human beings without judgement.  Search for the knowing that being imperfect is human.

I still am not an erudite about my illness.  I strive to find a sense of dignity around my time away from normality.  I wish to forget my time in the wilderness, but it is important that I remember.  I need it to garner the wisdom to take medication and to stay away from mood altering substances.  I must cease to plead for people to understand if they do not walk in the population of the diagnosed.  I must seek to love myself and love the life that I have lived with all the episodes of mauling that it contains.  See a new you as difference, but steer clear of the judgement of the past that can leave you praying for death or living as a recluse.  A rewarding life can contain all that you are, and what you have experienced can be and old friend that only you know properly.