Today is one of those days that I fell like I am playing a disonant version of a masterpeice's harmony. Moving in cement is the offshoot of the mood that rests in my mind's eye. I reflect on the hopeful lack of permenance of this monent, as I work to brush my hair and teeth. I will by the ugly stepchild of a supermodel today. My thoughts strive at an unreal perfection as I rest with the pigs in the mud. Thoughts hold me hostage and I pray for the inspiration to finish even this one meditation entry.
Where is the love today? Where is the compassion for all sentient life that I strive to feel? I am here and I slash at myself to feel a sense of purpose when I wash myself with a washcloth of worthlessness. There is a powerlessness to this state and I struggle with the words to describe and understand my internal an external environment.
I fall to my knees to be a helpful voice from the place of the forgotten landfill. I feel like refuse and I am challanged to see its possibility though I feel its imposition upon humanity. In times like these I try to remove the dramatic and seek to just relax and stay simple in my expectations and tasks. In the mists of my struggle I keep my eyes on the prize of just living. I do not have to seek the chalice of perfection and comparison. My worth can be seen through the eyes of a baby in a perverbial manger. I am here to define light in darkness. I am here to survive the waves of hopelessness to be a beacon to those who face a similar battle. My mind may be muddy and confused, but I may still be a member of a complex and constantly evovling human race.
I step simply and stop debating my purpose in the human mahem in a mosh pit. My mind may be my enemy and my friends may exist in the simple beasts of the every day. Invite the butterflies and canines into view and seek to see and be as they do. I am more than just what I do. Walk a gathering spirit in a snow of existance. Take care and nourish that which I cannot see in the darkness. I do not feel well and so I need to keep it simple until my spirit cools and my soul calms from the moment's thuder and tumult. I can begin to make sense of things when tomorrow rises in a dawn of a new day.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Confidence to Disagree
Being a patient in the mental health system can be an arduous and complicated path. Opinions of others are offered to you by "professionals" as a course of the every day. Finding one's own opinion on things can be difficult. This can be an essential step to self actualization and maturation. Knowing that you can trust your thought processes when you are not in crisis can be tricky. Learning about one's illness is important, but learning about one's wisdom and effectiveness is also paramount to living a free and accomplished life. Dealing with the day to day of the tough patches can leave us shaken. We may not know what part of ourselves to trust. This is where good soundingboards are essential. A good group, therapist, friend, or family member can get one a long way in the personal, internal PR department.
It is okay to disagree. It is okay to have emotion about disagreements. This is how we find out what we think. It is just important that we edit our disagreeable thoughts when we are not in a safe environment. When we are attacked, we may go back to questioning the validity of our thought or argument. I have found that my bipolar self can create a sensitivity to opposing opinions and a lingering feeling that makes it difficult to let go. I do not have to prove someone wrong to have a sound and thoughtful point of view. I have different experiences and angles on things. In some situations I may have more experience with the subject matter than I may admit publically because it can come from treatment settings.
I feel, acknowledge my feelings, seek a validating and effective ear, and feel as the attachment to the disagreemnt fades. Sometimes I need to write my way through it and find the artistic wisdom in the encounter.
Making my point today may aid someone tomorrow. It is okay to be the minority opinion. It is okay to be a person with a mental health present and history. We are viable entities. Sometimes our refreshing view can aid others in seeing the obsurdity of a situation. Be a force to be reckoned with even if you speak in a whisper. Our emotions and opinions may form from listening to others as we sat silent, doubting ourselves. We do not have to be Knowy McKnow It All. Flowing with the chimes in our mind can assist the hail in finally falling from the sky to signal a storm. Most of all, be true to yourself, respecting others, and yourself, and you will always have a place at humanity's table.
It is okay to disagree. It is okay to have emotion about disagreements. This is how we find out what we think. It is just important that we edit our disagreeable thoughts when we are not in a safe environment. When we are attacked, we may go back to questioning the validity of our thought or argument. I have found that my bipolar self can create a sensitivity to opposing opinions and a lingering feeling that makes it difficult to let go. I do not have to prove someone wrong to have a sound and thoughtful point of view. I have different experiences and angles on things. In some situations I may have more experience with the subject matter than I may admit publically because it can come from treatment settings.
I feel, acknowledge my feelings, seek a validating and effective ear, and feel as the attachment to the disagreemnt fades. Sometimes I need to write my way through it and find the artistic wisdom in the encounter.
Making my point today may aid someone tomorrow. It is okay to be the minority opinion. It is okay to be a person with a mental health present and history. We are viable entities. Sometimes our refreshing view can aid others in seeing the obsurdity of a situation. Be a force to be reckoned with even if you speak in a whisper. Our emotions and opinions may form from listening to others as we sat silent, doubting ourselves. We do not have to be Knowy McKnow It All. Flowing with the chimes in our mind can assist the hail in finally falling from the sky to signal a storm. Most of all, be true to yourself, respecting others, and yourself, and you will always have a place at humanity's table.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
My Story for AA
There is a challenge in debriefing the trauma of alcoholism and bipolar illness. Shame reigns supreme and monsters are behind every corner. Searching for the words to define this time is not a task I relish. I am meek in my mind and I cower at the harsh light an honest telling of my story provides. I will have the courage to begin and pray that in the telling I will find a doorway to freedom and hand the keys to another turbulent soul.
I walk down a lane and see the perfect flower at the end.
I seek to be that flower.
I seek to be shiny and bright.
Dark voices in my mind win in the every day.
I desire to be something, though I fear I am nothing.
I sip from the cup and my wings spread.
My magnificent feathers shine as I imbibe the magnificent solution.
Their is perfection in the alchemy of alcohol and mania.
I walk in a land of princes and kings.
Others fall by the wayside until only I can confront the nonexistent dragons in my mind.
I see this panacea as a conduit to spirit and I grasp the bottle as if there is a thief to my answer behind every corner.
Consequences mount and my reality falls off the shelf and shatters on the ground.
A mirror is unveiled in its place and I sob at my dilapidated state.
On my knees, I begin anew and I rest in the room picking up the pieces for what seems like eternity.
I will start at the very beginning. A very nice place to start. I was born in Honolulu in 1970.
In the end I see the devastaion with detachment.
I cannot find my conscience under the rubbel of shame and shock.
My mighty vision lays lifeless on the ground.
The allies I had made in the media are now revealed as false visions.
Reaching up, I enter the room and peers grab my shaking fingers.
The message of 12 guiding principles lights the end of my tunnel.
Daily I seek the refuge of humilty.
I struggle, but I now bond with other creatures.
Treating two in one rains confusion in my head as I still seek the chalice.
I have not overcome, but I do not push up the daisies or a bar stool.
Seeing the horizon is a challange, but I enjoy the sunset nonetheless.
Gratitude is heard as a song, but I struggle to discover the key.
Melody mixes with my madness and God reminds me that I am dancing barefoot on a golden beach.
I walk down a lane and see the perfect flower at the end.
I seek to be that flower.
I seek to be shiny and bright.
Dark voices in my mind win in the every day.
I desire to be something, though I fear I am nothing.
I sip from the cup and my wings spread.
My magnificent feathers shine as I imbibe the magnificent solution.
Their is perfection in the alchemy of alcohol and mania.
I walk in a land of princes and kings.
Others fall by the wayside until only I can confront the nonexistent dragons in my mind.
I see this panacea as a conduit to spirit and I grasp the bottle as if there is a thief to my answer behind every corner.
Consequences mount and my reality falls off the shelf and shatters on the ground.
A mirror is unveiled in its place and I sob at my dilapidated state.
On my knees, I begin anew and I rest in the room picking up the pieces for what seems like eternity.
I will start at the very beginning. A very nice place to start. I was born in Honolulu in 1970.
In the end I see the devastaion with detachment.
I cannot find my conscience under the rubbel of shame and shock.
My mighty vision lays lifeless on the ground.
The allies I had made in the media are now revealed as false visions.
Reaching up, I enter the room and peers grab my shaking fingers.
The message of 12 guiding principles lights the end of my tunnel.
Daily I seek the refuge of humilty.
I struggle, but I now bond with other creatures.
Treating two in one rains confusion in my head as I still seek the chalice.
I have not overcome, but I do not push up the daisies or a bar stool.
Seeing the horizon is a challange, but I enjoy the sunset nonetheless.
Gratitude is heard as a song, but I struggle to discover the key.
Melody mixes with my madness and God reminds me that I am dancing barefoot on a golden beach.
Finding Self in the Storm
There is a challenge to those with mania and depression to feel a consistent sense of self. There is a woeful burden in the self concept of depression, and a grand brilliance to the time of mania. On an even keel, one might give the thoughts of others more credence than the growing wisdom of the personal mind and soul.
I struggle with this fight as I write this meditation. I find myself needing to stand up and yell from the mountaintops that I have let the dysfunctional and crazy dictate to me who I am. I feel crazier by the day, and find no way to quell the shame in my heart. I step forth today with this realization of the abdicating of my own power. I have had times of lacking steady and realistic perception, but those times are not now. In those days, I was judged with such harsh disdain and cruelty, that it is difficult to let those voices be silenced. I am now stuggling to find my dignity. The irksome and nagging truths have been playing softly in my mind and I now come to my own knowings. These are actually separate from a dysfuctional treatment setting. I stayed in a place where I sat quietly feeling crazier and crazier.
I try to put this quagmire into words so that I can acknowledge my own sanity in the face of many conflicting influences. I am now ready to step into the sun and begin to acknowledge my wounds and my own wisdom. I have learned about myself the most effective ways to treat a person with past maniac challanges.
I do wish to encourage people to find what works for them, but to give treatment options a fair chance to work. Not all therapists, doctors, hospitals, or groups are healthy and productive. When we are vulnerable we can undermine our own best judgement. Know that though a mental health professional can loom large in our minds, we can be correct in seeing and acknowledging her ineffectiveness in our care.
In this day, know that there are good people out there treating mental illness. They can help us to harness our power and regain our dignity. If you work with someone good, relish in their skill and let them know how much they mean to you. Be hopeful that you can get better and live a productive and rewarding life. Dip your toe in the pool of self worth and see a glowing and beautiful reflection on the surface of the water. Have confidence to make change, if necessary, and be proactive in your treatment plan. If a drug does not work, let your doctor know and have faith that you will find something that does.
I struggle with this fight as I write this meditation. I find myself needing to stand up and yell from the mountaintops that I have let the dysfunctional and crazy dictate to me who I am. I feel crazier by the day, and find no way to quell the shame in my heart. I step forth today with this realization of the abdicating of my own power. I have had times of lacking steady and realistic perception, but those times are not now. In those days, I was judged with such harsh disdain and cruelty, that it is difficult to let those voices be silenced. I am now stuggling to find my dignity. The irksome and nagging truths have been playing softly in my mind and I now come to my own knowings. These are actually separate from a dysfuctional treatment setting. I stayed in a place where I sat quietly feeling crazier and crazier.
I try to put this quagmire into words so that I can acknowledge my own sanity in the face of many conflicting influences. I am now ready to step into the sun and begin to acknowledge my wounds and my own wisdom. I have learned about myself the most effective ways to treat a person with past maniac challanges.
I do wish to encourage people to find what works for them, but to give treatment options a fair chance to work. Not all therapists, doctors, hospitals, or groups are healthy and productive. When we are vulnerable we can undermine our own best judgement. Know that though a mental health professional can loom large in our minds, we can be correct in seeing and acknowledging her ineffectiveness in our care.
In this day, know that there are good people out there treating mental illness. They can help us to harness our power and regain our dignity. If you work with someone good, relish in their skill and let them know how much they mean to you. Be hopeful that you can get better and live a productive and rewarding life. Dip your toe in the pool of self worth and see a glowing and beautiful reflection on the surface of the water. Have confidence to make change, if necessary, and be proactive in your treatment plan. If a drug does not work, let your doctor know and have faith that you will find something that does.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Slippery Sensations
Tingling in the brain can be the doorway. Feelings of control slipping away can be common when the portal to other states of mind opens. Sensation can peak and deliver a reality between cognicent thought and psychosis. Times of manic turmoil can be distressing and shameful. Keeping quiet and praying for the abnormality's retreat can be the path an afflicted soul can take. Experiencing a rocking harmony can be absent and a meandering, slipping state can be troubling.
I try to put into words the scenes that bipolar people contend with. Being reactive to criticism and scorn can issue an ultimatum to choose the medical of this life or the images of altered reality. We can be perfect and grand in this place and we can also lack authority to the films in our mind. There is a beckoning to play by different rules and answer our discontent with the exploding star that is rising inside of us. Violence of thought and action can be a result and delusions can confirm that all others are wrong and either ignorant or harmful. Paranoia plays a supporting role in the play that is unfolding. The population of those with manic psychosis or delusional thought can be left with a shaken sense of confidence in either self or others. A trail to the courtroom can be the consequence of the mindgames this disease serves up.
To those who have faced an apocolipse in their life, being in the moment can be essential. Finding freedom in nature or the light of a flame can focus us on the resolve and endurance we have. Their is courage in facing the humiliation of our own actions in our episodic turmoil. We breathe as others do, but the cackling laughter of the night that befalls us can be too much. I still work to find peace within when the world around us dismisses and shames us with the label of crazy. Humility births a path that our fluxuation between granduer and worthlessness so desires. Being empathetic to that which is seen as lowly and shameful can be a great gift to the human race. I have seen a land of princes and kings and I draw a sword to be a warrior in a day to day crusade for peace and justice. The imagery of these frenetic times can hold a personal meaning that may escape translation. I challange all who have seen, to live and do in the name of that defenseless part of ourselves. This is my meditation for this day. I honor you as a part of all that is gentle and divine. Know that the ripples that these deluging times can create can echo in our everday as a strength in a time of weakness.
I try to put into words the scenes that bipolar people contend with. Being reactive to criticism and scorn can issue an ultimatum to choose the medical of this life or the images of altered reality. We can be perfect and grand in this place and we can also lack authority to the films in our mind. There is a beckoning to play by different rules and answer our discontent with the exploding star that is rising inside of us. Violence of thought and action can be a result and delusions can confirm that all others are wrong and either ignorant or harmful. Paranoia plays a supporting role in the play that is unfolding. The population of those with manic psychosis or delusional thought can be left with a shaken sense of confidence in either self or others. A trail to the courtroom can be the consequence of the mindgames this disease serves up.
To those who have faced an apocolipse in their life, being in the moment can be essential. Finding freedom in nature or the light of a flame can focus us on the resolve and endurance we have. Their is courage in facing the humiliation of our own actions in our episodic turmoil. We breathe as others do, but the cackling laughter of the night that befalls us can be too much. I still work to find peace within when the world around us dismisses and shames us with the label of crazy. Humility births a path that our fluxuation between granduer and worthlessness so desires. Being empathetic to that which is seen as lowly and shameful can be a great gift to the human race. I have seen a land of princes and kings and I draw a sword to be a warrior in a day to day crusade for peace and justice. The imagery of these frenetic times can hold a personal meaning that may escape translation. I challange all who have seen, to live and do in the name of that defenseless part of ourselves. This is my meditation for this day. I honor you as a part of all that is gentle and divine. Know that the ripples that these deluging times can create can echo in our everday as a strength in a time of weakness.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Measuring the Mania
There is a silent satifaction in a manic phase. After feeling the arduous cloak of depression, the rising of energy and confidence can feel immeasurable. There is a problem in this secret vivaciousness. We are out of step with reality and possibly approaching the land of the pariah. Episodes can get frenetic and chaotic and there can be a price we pay for letting it gain momentum in our lives. I experienced a long period of mania and my life still holds the scars. The shame that I feel is immense and the dicey interpersonal interactions created a monstrous void where I used to have friendships. The pandemonium that was me was certain and strong in my mind, but the rigid consequences are deafening. I spun like a top over the mountains of Switzerland. Adding alcohol to the mix sealed my fate to live with the painful memories for eternity.
I wish to speak of hope in this disguise for freedom. Others may not understand the day to day or month to month of ups and downs. Managing the time of anhedonia can be unnerving. Others may see depression as a preferable state, and shame you for the tornado your mania creates. I seek in my heart to find meaning to the madness. I am finding that my past was my path and that balance was something I never really knew. There is joy in this place, and I find holy imagery in period of euphoria. Releasing experiences from that which is normal can be a necessary process. Stopping the penchant for comparison can also siren relief.
I live each day as only a day. I seek to find the goodness in myself and others. Compassion can come from the strangest of places. Interacting with the world as an alien observer can ultimately bring an understanding of our difference and sameness. An experiment can be to take a bus ride and be a spy undercover in your mind. See the people and feel the movement of the vehicle. Know that so many of the travelers experience at least periods of mental illness and unrest. Feel your mood as it ebbs and flows. See the kindness and even cruelty of this load of human beings without judgement. Search for the knowing that being imperfect is human.
I still am not an erudite about my illness. I strive to find a sense of dignity around my time away from normality. I wish to forget my time in the wilderness, but it is important that I remember. I need it to garner the wisdom to take medication and to stay away from mood altering substances. I must cease to plead for people to understand if they do not walk in the population of the diagnosed. I must seek to love myself and love the life that I have lived with all the episodes of mauling that it contains. See a new you as difference, but steer clear of the judgement of the past that can leave you praying for death or living as a recluse. A rewarding life can contain all that you are, and what you have experienced can be and old friend that only you know properly.
I wish to speak of hope in this disguise for freedom. Others may not understand the day to day or month to month of ups and downs. Managing the time of anhedonia can be unnerving. Others may see depression as a preferable state, and shame you for the tornado your mania creates. I seek in my heart to find meaning to the madness. I am finding that my past was my path and that balance was something I never really knew. There is joy in this place, and I find holy imagery in period of euphoria. Releasing experiences from that which is normal can be a necessary process. Stopping the penchant for comparison can also siren relief.
I live each day as only a day. I seek to find the goodness in myself and others. Compassion can come from the strangest of places. Interacting with the world as an alien observer can ultimately bring an understanding of our difference and sameness. An experiment can be to take a bus ride and be a spy undercover in your mind. See the people and feel the movement of the vehicle. Know that so many of the travelers experience at least periods of mental illness and unrest. Feel your mood as it ebbs and flows. See the kindness and even cruelty of this load of human beings without judgement. Search for the knowing that being imperfect is human.
I still am not an erudite about my illness. I strive to find a sense of dignity around my time away from normality. I wish to forget my time in the wilderness, but it is important that I remember. I need it to garner the wisdom to take medication and to stay away from mood altering substances. I must cease to plead for people to understand if they do not walk in the population of the diagnosed. I must seek to love myself and love the life that I have lived with all the episodes of mauling that it contains. See a new you as difference, but steer clear of the judgement of the past that can leave you praying for death or living as a recluse. A rewarding life can contain all that you are, and what you have experienced can be and old friend that only you know properly.
Lazy Daisy
Stepping in to this day, I feel a bit daunted by irritability. The theme in my mind is insignificance and instability. Wanting so badly to stay even, the day to day can be a stuggle. I am becoming aware of the cost this chronic illness has on me and my life. My attitude is definitely not one of gratitude and there is guilt about that. Being unsettled in spirit I plan to go out and see a movie today and then go to a support group tonight.
Keeping even the least bit active can be difficult on hard days. Worthlessness can be a dangerous and mighty albatross on my shoulder. Knowing that I am not alone can help. Making some phone calls and asking people about their life can also feed the meter in my fatigued soul. I entertain the night, but live the day. My shaky handprint in the snow lets the world know that I am here. As my head bays a strong wolf cry, I look to the winter moon to play a stunning minuet within me. When I most want to give up, I wander in to the region of the damned and see that I have chosen another way.
Ceasing my exercise plan because of my striking sense of lethargy and apathy has left me to scorn myself and post on my forehead an invisible brand of LAZY. There are times when others prod me when I cannot answer to their whimsicle melody of fit immortality. I sit like Job, mortal and aching, struggling to lift my visage to the brutal wind. My thoughts tumble in directions I wish to never return to. This is the time that I fall to my knees and just pray that God can hear and oblige me. I pray for release and a return to purposeful and productive living.
I urge anyone whose eyes drift over this page to honor the pain, but to release the dramatic flair it can present. Hold a stone and feel its smoothness. Hold ice and glory in its always present chill. Make some soup and feel its warmth in your mouth. I wish for you to feel solace in your senses, and soothing from the knowing that you are in the moment and able to be aware, no matter how much it hurts.
This is my message today. Go forth and try not to disparage those who are merry. Love the creatures who will sit with you silently and look at you with a kindly lack of judgement. Eventually you may be able to measure a beautiful moment of peace.
Keeping even the least bit active can be difficult on hard days. Worthlessness can be a dangerous and mighty albatross on my shoulder. Knowing that I am not alone can help. Making some phone calls and asking people about their life can also feed the meter in my fatigued soul. I entertain the night, but live the day. My shaky handprint in the snow lets the world know that I am here. As my head bays a strong wolf cry, I look to the winter moon to play a stunning minuet within me. When I most want to give up, I wander in to the region of the damned and see that I have chosen another way.
Ceasing my exercise plan because of my striking sense of lethargy and apathy has left me to scorn myself and post on my forehead an invisible brand of LAZY. There are times when others prod me when I cannot answer to their whimsicle melody of fit immortality. I sit like Job, mortal and aching, struggling to lift my visage to the brutal wind. My thoughts tumble in directions I wish to never return to. This is the time that I fall to my knees and just pray that God can hear and oblige me. I pray for release and a return to purposeful and productive living.
I urge anyone whose eyes drift over this page to honor the pain, but to release the dramatic flair it can present. Hold a stone and feel its smoothness. Hold ice and glory in its always present chill. Make some soup and feel its warmth in your mouth. I wish for you to feel solace in your senses, and soothing from the knowing that you are in the moment and able to be aware, no matter how much it hurts.
This is my message today. Go forth and try not to disparage those who are merry. Love the creatures who will sit with you silently and look at you with a kindly lack of judgement. Eventually you may be able to measure a beautiful moment of peace.